Monday, January 30, 2012

Four Months

Dearest Husband,

We're coming up on four months of marriage, which feels both surreal and completely normal. I can't really remember details about life before marriage, but I can't seem to stop thinking about how different things are inside of marriage. I'm constantly struggling to find my balance...to nail down exactly how I'm feeling...to figure out how to stop the ride so I can just shake my head clear of everything and figure out where I am.

There's so many things that factor into where I'm at right now that I never considered...like the fact that my job has kept us apart for almost more weeks than we've been together since we got married. Like the fact that I'm mostly traveling back to my old hometown, my old office, my old house...my old life. Like the fact that even if there had been an opportunity to get settled in Virginia, I still wouldn't feel grounded because we're going to be uprooted again in just a few months.
I didn't consider these things. I didn't plan for these things. And so, I feel like I'm on a roller coaster...that is located on a boat...that is floating on VERY angry and rough seas. A just admitting that makes tears spring to my eyes and a lump stick in my throat.

But not entirely because I'm scared and confused and stretched and exhausted.

In fact, it's mostly because I wouldn't trade any of these circumstances or feelings. Because I'm finally with you. We're finally together (though, admittedly, not as much as I had hoped or would want). We're married and it is rocking my world in so many ways. Good ways. But as with any big change or transition, I struggle to find my balance...to figure out where I fit in based on what's happening to and around me. But now I don't have to do that alone...our marriage is a solid place for me to ground myself when I find instability taking over, stress rising, and fear looming.

Today you texted me while I was at work in Atlanta and you were at home in Virginia and you asked "Do you think I could get in to an Ivy League grad school?"
And I didn't even hesitate to say "Absolutely". I didn't hesitate because I know you can do anything. You're my superman. Oh and also you have an incredible resume, you're smart and driven and you work hard and if you set a goal, you reach it. And you went to West Point. That can't hurt.

The thing about that text is that it reminded me that we're in a season of life right now that we won't always be in. You encourage me to focus on today, yet you help me keep my eyes forward. I love how you dream. I love how you take me out of the place I'm bogged down and gently remind me "this is today...tomorrow will be different...and we're doing this together". I love how you plan and how you take my hand and lead me in your dreams for our future. I love that I get to be beside you. I wonder if or when that feeling will wear off and I hope desperately that it never does. I hope I never forget how hard it is to be away from you and how much I treasure being with you. How sitting with you can make the worst day melt away. How safe and content I feel when I'm with you. It sometimes overwhelms me how much I cling to you...how much I rely on you to make my world stop swaying, if even for a few minutes. You are the calm to my storm...and it makes me wonder how I ever survived without you.

Being married to you has been beautiful and wonderful and terrifying...the terrifying part about it is seeing how ugly I can be...the most beautiful part is how you love me in my ugliness...the wonderful part is how marriage is giving me such clear glimpses of God's love and the relationship He desires with us. I just want you to know that four months of marriage has more than confirmed what I saw in three years of dating...that you are an INCREDIBLE man. You are selfless and humble, you are kind and generous, you are a servant to me and others, you are slow to anger, you are steadfast, you are strong, you are seeking the Lord, you are a leader and a hard worker...I respect you more every day that I spend with you. You make me want to be a better wife, a better friend, a better servant...I'm so proud to be your wife.

That's what four months of marriage has done to me. Reduced me to an emotional mess yet made me more stable and sure than I've ever been. I can't wait for the months to come, dearest.

I love you, always.

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