Friday, February 24, 2012

Things I didn't anticipate...

At the time I'm writing this, I have not yet told my company that I'm leaving. By the time you're reading this, they will already be informed. I made a decision not to go live with this blog until after my company was aware that we're moving and a departure plan was in place. Because, you know...internet etiquette and respect and whatnot. 

So I'm writing from a place of tension right now...But mostly I feel sad. I did not anticipate this. We all have fantasies about quitting our jobs, right?
No? Ok nevermind.
But let's just say I have had my fair share of days when I thought "Oh my gosh, I have to get out of here! I can't do this anymore." But rationality always wins and I always talked myself off that ledge and reminded myself how blessed I was to have a job I didn't hate and to work with good people...and to just be employed, period.
And now I'm dealing with the reality that I am about to walk away from the place that I have spent the majority of my time over the past four years. How bizarre is that? I feel a sense of loss and sense of sadness. And because I didn't think I would feel this way, now I'm confused and I need to sort it out...bear with me. The story of my life is trying to figure out how to respond to feelings I did not anticipate. You'd think at some point I'd catch on...but so far, it's brand new every time. Bless my heart.
My overwhelming feeling looking back over my time there is pride. I am really proud that I made it through those four years...proud of what I learned, what I accomplished, promotions I earned, projects I worked on, relationships that were built. I worked my butt off. And a lot of times I felt like I had no idea what I was doing, but I persevered until I got to a point where I DID know what I was doing. And then repeated that cycle every 6 months or so. It kept me on my toes, if nothing else. And I was always surprised by that moment when I realized, hey! I know stuff! It was a long-running joke between me and my friends that I had an English degree and no tech experience AT ALL, yet I worked at a software company as a business analyst. I'm sure there were many times when my coworkers didn't find that very funny at all. But my gosh, did I have great coworkers. So talented, so smart, and so patient with me. They made up tenfold for any knowledge I lacked. And I lacked a lot of knowledge. I learned quickly, yes, but I'm sure there were times when they thought "are you kidding me?! how do you work here?"
No. I was not kidding. I really don't know how to figure out what version of Java I'm running. Please send detailed instructions. Screenshots would be appreciated. Also, how do I take screenshots?
The four years I spent working for this company stretched me so far outside of my comfort zone. I learned so much...not just about software, technology, and business, but about myself. And I'm proud of that.
I had good weeks and bad weeks. Weeks when I loved my job, my coworkers, and my projects and weeks when I cried, was sick with stress, and hated it. But overall, I have really positive feelings about my time there. I have warm, nostalgic feelings about that place...after all, it was my first job out of college...and my only job since then. It's the only job I know. So in a weird and twisted way, it has a feeling of "home". And that's what I'm sad to leave.

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