Saturday, May 5, 2012

The Moving Walkway

I'm sitting in the airport waiting for my flight to Atlanta and I'm close enough to the moving sidewalk that I can hear a pleasant lady's recorded voice say "Caution! The moving walkway is ending" approximately every THREE SECONDS.

GET OUT OF MY HEAD! I'm not even ON the walkway! I'M BEING CAUTIOUS.

I'm a little on edge. This in-between stage is really hard and I don't know how to process it. Zach and I talked about it while he was bringing me to the airport...I was mostly worried that I might spontaneously implode after a few more of these moves. And I'm not even through this one. But my main thought has been, "is it going to feel like this every time?" And if the answer is "yes", holy cow. Time to up the meds. In fact, just get me on a regular schedule...every three years, increase my dosage. That should keep things under control. THEN by the time we're trying to do this with kids and dogs and way more crap home goods than we have now, I'll just be comatose and won't even remember the process!

Z is way more level-headed about things (no surprise there) and was kind enough to reassure me that it DOES get easier. Whether that's true or not is yet to be seen. But it did make me feel better. He also made the good point that most moves won't be like this one...we won't have 6 weeks of homeless, wandering, hotel-living nonsense. Frankly, it's not ideal.  

I wish I could better articulate what it feels like to not have a place to call home right now. I was especially eloquent when talking to Z and told him that it just "felt weird". And it does. You know that feeling you get when you come home from a long vacation? Even if it was the best vacation of your life, there's something SO WONDERFUL about walking into your own home, with your own things, and your own bed! It's like releasing a sigh of relief when you didn't even know you were holding your breath. Well, I know I'm holding my breath. I'm very aware of it, constantly. And I so badly want to go home. I really, really want that stability, comfort, and peaceful rest. 

But, I'm on the moving walkway. I'm not at my destination yet. I can't go backwards. And even if I stand still, I'm going to be pushed forward. And this, I know in my heart of hearts, is a good place for me to be. I can't shut down or ignore what's going on. I need to process it and be aware of it and figure out how to grow from it. I can't check out because these weeks on the moving walkway of transition are the last weeks I will have with my family and friends and I NEED to be present for that. I want to be. I want to soak it in and feel deeply and not rush through this time because I'm so desperate for my comfort zone that waits on the other side. And the bittersweet truth is being parroted to me every three seconds...caution...the moving walkway is ending.

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