Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Hanging in there...

It's been almost a month to the day since my last post and there's been good reason for my absence. The last four weeks have been spent as follows:

 -One week in St. Lucia for our delayed honeymoon. I'd like to sum up that trip by using the words "perfect" and "heavenly". Picture hours of sitting in the sun, reading books, drinking pina coladas...mmm.

 -A week and half with Z's family. Wonderful time soaking up family with a few days of seeing (and saying goodbye to) friends. 

 -A week and half with my family. Still in progress, with my best friend's wedding looming this weekend (looming in a mostly good way...the only downside is that it's the last weekend here, the final goodbye). Otherwise good quality time with my family, including a weekend at the lake with my brothers in attendance. 

Basically I have better ways to spend my time than behind a computer screen, blogging about my feelings. And my priorities for this time have been people first. With emotional well-being a close second. (Eating Cheerios is probably third, as usual.) But those priorities don't include getting all sappy and introspective about saying goodbye. They include focusing on things like yoga and meditation and not completely flipping out in hysterics when we found out TODAY (a mere five days before departure) that Z's orders may or may not have changed, sending us to a new base in a new city. A city I have not had five months to adequately Google. HOW CAN WE GO SOMEWHERE THAT HAS NOT BEEN GOOGLED?! 

Maybe normal people can handle that. Maybe after years of Army wife-hood, I'll be able to handle that. But today, I am just not feeling great about it. And that's putting it REALLY mildly. There's not even one small area of my life that I feel like is stable right now. Z would be quick to remind me that he is stable and consistent and he's right. But I have tunnel vision and all I can see is uncertainty and waiting and unknowns. So I reject his logical offers at comfort and choose to pursue my path of wallowing in despair at what is certainly the end of the world and how nothing will ever be ok EVER AGAIN.

I think that maybe I just shut down. It wasn't a conscious decision as much as maybe it's going into survival mode. The problem is that survival mode isn't exactly high-functioning. I find myself tired and absent-minded and wandering around Wal-mart wondering how I ended up with that eyelash curler in my cart when I specifically meant to pick the OTHER one, for high volume eyelash curling rather than just regular eyelash curling. But instead of just walking back to the cosmetics aisle, I check out with the normal eyelash curler, dooming myself to sub-par eyelashes for the rest of my life, because the thought of backtracking is just too...exhausting. And don't get me started on social's probably not fair to people around me and I'm aware of that. But it's either this or fetal position on the floor, so I think this is the right choice. 

The bottom line is, we need to just go. We need to get on the plane, get to Germany, get the process of starting our life there underway. Because four weeks of goodbyes is just plain hard and there's no way around that. And it's hard for me to continue to go through goodbye after goodbye and give it the emotional energy and personal attention required...I realize a goodbye feels unique to the person on the other end of things. But for me, and for Zach, it's the 4th, 5th, 18th time we've had to say "goodbye, we love you, we'll miss you, Skype us, no we're not sure when we'll be able to come back for a visit..." 

So I just end up feeling guilty that I've cheated someone else out of their "goodbye moment" because I'm trying so hard to stay disconnected enough that I don't fall apart but invested enough that I'm still PRESENT for the moment when I have to leave someone I love and someone who has such meaning in my life. How do you explain to someone that you can't start crying because if you do, you're afraid you won't be able to stop? 

You don't. You make a joke, you hug tightly, swallow hard, and walk away. 

The truth is, I'm ridiculously excited about Germany and what it holds for us. I think we are going to have an amazing time. But right now, I'm leaving everyone and everything that is familiar and that I love. And that is HARD. And I don't know how to let it be hard; how to balance feeling so sad and so excited at the same time. And how do you perfectly time a meltdown, anyway? It takes a lot of energy to hold in tears until the bitter end...but that's the plan. 

So now I'll post this, not bothering with how to figure out how to change this stupid font or perform a spelling and grammar check on this silly iPad because I just can't find the energy to care about fonts and grammar right now (and yes, I know, that's seriously concerning), and I'll distract myself by googling "How to do the Wobble" so I'm adequately prepared for this weekend's wedding...and I'll hold on for a few more days.

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