Friday, March 15, 2013

Five Thirty One

Days married: 531
Days in Germany: 277

Dear Z,

We have spent more of our marriage in Germany than anywhere else. We finally have some semblance of stability in our lives. As I was falling asleep last night, I was remembering how those months leading up to our move to Germany (and even the first weeks here), I had to mentally remind myself to un-clench my jaw...and then tell myself again five minutes later. I remember how badly my jaw and head hurt from being so tight for so long. I remember how badly my back hurt from holding so much stress. And then I realized that I haven't had a true anxiety attack in a while...a really big accomplishment that I think we should probably celebrate. Actually, I celebrated by eating a sleeve of Thin Mints. But I'm open to further celebration. There's still two more boxes in the freezer.

The point is...I realized that I am not quite so stressed or anxious anymore. We aren't going anywhere anytime soon (Lord willing. Army willing). This can be our home and we can finally settle down (for a few years at least). Everything that was so overwhelming and foreign is now pretty routine. This is good.

What amazes me is that you are not like me. What I'm saying is...you really haven't changed that much since we've been here. And I mean that in the best way possible. You are so consistent...there isn't a stressed out version of you and a well-adjusted version of you. You are you. And you treat me (and all of my versions) the same whether my jaw is clenched and my back is in knots or I'm starting to hit my stride and find my rhythm in our "new normal". I'm not saying you don't notice when things are rough for me...I'm saying you don't let it affect everything else. This is a great trick. It's like how parents tell a child "you're ok!" in that really upbeat voice in the split second after the kid falls, while they're still contemplating if they should do that scary scream-cry meltdown or just get up, brush it off and resume playing. 

Maybe that's not a very flattering parallel to make...but whatever. We're going to go with it.

You are my perky-parent voice. And sometimes it drives me crazy because I would really love to pitch a fit or maybe I just want some serious sympathy along the lines of: "I know...it really is the hardest/worst/most stressful/awful/impossible situation and there really is nothing else you should do right now but completely freak out."

But that's not how you roll. It's always more along the lines of the "you're ok!" approach. So frustrating. But probably exactly what I need. 

The past few months, due to our work situations, we've spent more time apart than together. And this has not been fun. I have to do things like take out the trash. And buy milk. And wipe the drool off Olive's jowls. Things that you usually do when you're home. But mostly I just miss hanging out with you. (also, Olive's drool...it's super gross)

What I'm trying to say is...even when you're gone and I'm home alone and it's snowing and Olive is drooling on things (where does it all come from?!) and the trash needs to go out and my car battery dies and you don't have your phone so I can't even text you...I would still rather be here in Germany, building a life and memories with you, than anywhere else with anyone else.


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