Thursday, July 31, 2014

If I Were To Create A Workout DVD...

Let's talk about this. Exercise. I hate it, ok? I really do. I hate prepping for it, I usually hate doing it, but I LOVE how I feel afterwards and it's good for me and essential for my mental well-being or whatever. This is the pits.

Also, I had a baby six months ago. Exercising is crucial, for many, many reasons. Sanity. Health. Self-care. Toning and tightening all of the areas. Fitting in jeans. Plus, I keep thinking that my attitude will one day miraculously change as I continue to work out and I'll be one of those perky (just one letter away from "pesky"...) people who just really loves everything about it. Holding on to that hope, hard.

But...this healthy lifestyle thing. SO hard.

I'm one of those people that eats a healthy snack and thinks "not enough chocolate. Or peanuts. Or nougat. I guess what I'm trying to say is, why isn't this a Snickers bar?"

I'm the kind of person that considers lacing up my shoes part of the workout. Didn't make it through the whole workout DVD today? No big deal. Shoes are on.
Didn't even start the DVD? No worries. Got the shoes on. Nailing it. Killed it. Might as well have ran 3 miles. Count it. Post on Facebook about how good it feels to work up a sweat.

Am I alone in this? It feels like getting the shoes on is the biggest hurdle in working out. I can be totally set to do my workout and then realize my shoes are ALL THE WAY upstairs and I'm like "well, that's a wrap. I gave it my best shot. I'll just eat my Snickers protein bar and call it even."

If I were to create a workout DVD, first of all, it wouldn't be a DVD. Because half of the problem is that you have to actually locate the DVD, turn on the DVD player, but the DVD in the player, navigate through, like, 15 menus, and THEN press play.

That right there is a workout. I do all of that and it's like "whew. I'm done. Time for a post-workout Snickers bar."

So my workout "DVD" would really be a digital format, so that you could easily pull it up on AppleTV or stream it from some device and launch it through the Cloud stratosphere straight to your living room screen. Or you know, however that works. I'm pretty sure that's accurate though.

Also, my workout program would have a countdown in the corner of the screen, so you can see how much you have left. You know how some workout DVDs have that? And you're all "25 more minutes...Ok. 25 more minutes. I can do that. 24 minutes 15 seconds. (huff puff) Ok. 24 minutes 15 seconds.

(stop looking at the countdown clock.)

(Look back at the countdown clock.)

"23 minutes 55 seconds. WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON?! TIME HAS NEVER MOVED SO SLOW. NEVER. N.E.V.E.R. This workout won't end. It....will....not...end. I'm just going to go into child's pose for a while."

Child's pose. God bless child's pose. As long as we're talking about yoga, I have been known to forego my daily Beachbody T25 workout in favor of yoga for the very simple reason that my shoes are upstairs and yoga does not require shoes. Walking upstairs is an extra element of this workout that I did not sign up for, thankyouverymuch.

My workout program would probably also have a motivational countdown like "So far you have worked off...3 fun-size Snickers bars." And then as you progress through the workout, you work off more Snickers. So that finally at the end, little confetti cannons fire and it's like "ACHIEVEMENT: 1 King-Size Snickers bar worth of calories worked off!"
So you're like "Oh my gosh, I'm amazing. I worked off 1 King-Size Snickers bar. Which means....(pause for calculations) I can eat at least 2 fun-size bars and still have had a successful workout. Boom."
*Note that this would be a feature you could choose to turn on or off AND you could customize it to the following choices: Thin Mints. Donuts. Glasses of wine.

Finally, my workout program would contain substitution options. For example, say you've already done 2 loads of laundry, which means 2 trips up and down 2 flights of stairs with a heavy basket in you arms. Let's just call that 600 calories burned. So you'd have the option of inputting these types of daily activities before you started your workout...then the program would use a fancy algorithm to determine how long today's workout should be and what it should include. So let's say you've already done the dishes and loaded the dishwasher. Played with your baby. Walked the dog. You select these options and the program takes 20 minutes off the workout, just like that. Squat track removed. Dead-lifts reduced by 5 sets. Vacuumed the house already today? Forego today's workout entirely.  Enjoy those buns of steel, you champion. Keep up the good work.

No comments:

Post a Comment