Sunday, June 14, 2015


I've sat down at my computer about 100 times to write something, anything. But as with every task these days, I find myself a little bit paralyzed. So I stare. I browse. I research. I Google. I may even do a little online shopping (PS, Mom a, 5...packages are going to show up at your house. Sorry, I needed a mailing address in the interim. Thanks. Love you). I basically waste all of nap time and then I hear Zoe wake up and I close the computer and go squeeze that sweet baby. She is an excellent stress reliever/distraction. But then nothing actually gets done (including real, productive tasks, in addition to blog posts), so...I'll need to figure something out. Because Zach gave me a calendar with daily tasks to help keep us organized and stress-free as we navigate the myriad of logistics involved in moving overseas.

He emailed it to me with a very polite and business-like "Please note items in bold". To which I wanted to respond with "Am I getting paid overtime for this? What about 401k matching?"

I would definitely be fired by now if this was a business arrangement. Because my productivity is down. And my Netflix watching is way, way up. And my attitude is sub-par. Team player? Not me. I just feel like getting things done is too hard right now. Do you know what I mean?

I've been meaning to do a Zoe update, because she's precious and funny and I want to record her recent quirks because I don't want to forget the funny little things she's been doing and saying. I've been meaning to whine write about my traumatic wisdom teeth removal surgery ("No no, you don't need to be put to sleep" says the German oral surgeon. PS, 3 weeks later and I'm still on pain meds. That's normal, right?). I've been meaning to write about our trip to Croatia (our last hurrah *sob*). I've been meaning to post pictures. I've been meaning to tell the story of how Zach wrecked our rental car (everyone is ok. The stress took years off of our life, but otherwise, we're good). I've been meaning to write about our final days in Germany and our excitement about moving back amidst our sadness of leaving Europe. But when I start to delve into those things, I find my stomach starts to get a little bit queasy in that nervous, about-to-get-on-a-roller-coaster feeling. Either that, or I involuntarily tear up...and I'm not ready to go there, so that's an automatic close-the-computer cue.

Really, it's hard to pin down a certain feeling or thought right now. Zoe and I walked to the grocery store today (and got some goodies from the bakery, because our time to do that is limited) and I found myself thinking about how much I would miss that walk to and from the store multiple times each week. And then I got home and thought about how badly I wanted MooseTracks ice cream and how excited I was to get some when we get stateside. And that pretty much sums it minute I am fully immersed in a very European aspect of life and find myself grieving the impending end of those unique things that we've come to love about living in Germany...and the next minute I am giddy at the prospect of going back to so many things we've missed about living in the States (CHICK-FIL-A). It's emotional whiplash. It makes me hungry and tired.

Mostly it makes me unable to function in a normal, adult-y way. Normal adults would look at everything that needs to get done and say "Ok. Let's start doing them" I look at it and immediately implode into some weird, deer-in-headlights space where I am incapacitated and absolutely incapable of doing even the smallest task. Thank goodness Netflix autoplays the next episode, you know? Z will come home and I'll look at him and sigh deeply and say "I didn't get anything done today" to which he will respond "Hey! You did things today! You did so much! You returned that bathing suit. You got yogurt at the store!" and I feel equal parts suspicious of his upbeat encouragement and absolutely in love with his unyielding support.

So that's where we're at over here. In this weird transition purgatory that is equal parts calm and anxiety-ridden, excitement and dread.

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